Saying yes when you mean no? Chronic people pleasing is more common than you think.
Do you find it hard to say no, even when your calendar’s full? Or avoid disagreeing with people, and just go along with things to prevent any friction?
Do you have so much trouble saying the word “no” that it’s not even in your vocabulary?
If your answer is in the affirmative, then all signs point to you being a people pleaser.
And, honestly, this aspect of your personality isn’t a bad thing.
The desire to feel loved and valued – especially by the people around you – is a fundamental part of human nature, and one way to acquire it is by acceding to others, in exchange for their regard.
At times, it’s not even about the appreciation you get in return. Doing things for others feels good. When we deeply care for someone, inconveniencing ourselves to make them happy is practically no big deal.
However, the issue arises when you realise that, in your relentless quest to please others, you’ve been sacrificing too much of your wellbeing.
An interesting notion, considering you’d think that as survival-oriented creatures, humans would be more inclined to protecting themselves better. So what could drive us to willingly put ourselves in such disadvantageous situations in the first place?
What Makes a People Pleaser?
“People pleaser” is less a personality trait, and more a general descriptor that explains the way you behave. This means that it can be defined in multiple ways.
Regardless, there are a few common reasons behind this behaviour, including:
Low Self-Esteem and Anxiety
When we don’t feel good enough about ourselves, seeking external validation could be our way of filling the void. The incoming acknowledgement can help explain why those who lack self-confidence and self-worth often prioritise another’s needs and opinions over their own.
Furthermore, any anxieties we may hold over not “fitting in” can lead us to go to great lengths to prevent causing offence and establish a sense of belonging, consequently ensuring we continue to be liked by our peers.
Past Trauma and Experiences
Trauma can affect people in different ways, and for those who have experienced it before, they might engage in people pleasing not just to get approval – it could also be a survival mechanism.
And this is exactly how the fawn response works. By doing our utmost to be as agreeable and pleasing as possible, we avoid triggering any aggressive behaviour in others, thus keeping ourselves safe.
Upbringing and Culture
Our need to give in to others could also be influenced by our childhood experiences – more specifically, our desire to meet parental expectations.
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“Growing up in strict or unpredictable households, where saying ‘no’ led to punishment or withdrawal of affection, could teach a child that compliance ensures safety,” said Ms Amanda Tay, a Counsellor at Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre, in CNA.
Moreover, many Asian cultures tend to emphasise a respect for and obedience to one’s parents and elders, and refusing their requests could be seen as rude.
According to Ms Tay, this could create of a habit of deferring to others over time.
“The nervous system begins to perceive exclusion, disapproval or conflict as a threat, triggering a biologically adaptive response to comply, appease or overcommit.”
When Pleasing Others Comes at a Price
The thing is, pleasing others doesn’t just involve being nice or scoring some social points – it can give us a high that inspires continued pursuit.
Unfortunately, this feeling is ephemeral, and when it eventually fizzles away, what’s left behind is a depleted mental capacity, and a whole load of consequences.
The Absence of Self-Care
When you regularly overbook yourself for the sake of another – all the while pretending everything is “just fine” – it doesn’t just invite greater physical fatigue, it also piles on to your stress and anxiety.
And if you’re surrendering your free time to please others, you leave very little space in your schedule to please yourself, physically and emotionally. So forget that stroll in the park, or enjoying a weekend with your family – you’re too busy fulfilling someone else’s responsibilities for them.
A Loss of Identity
When you think too much about pleasing other people, it can make you lose sight of your own wants and needs. You might even feel more out of touch with who you are, and this lack of assuredness can leave you more susceptible to manipulation.
It could even cause you to act against your own morals – such as by participating in some less-than-friendly gossip about a coworker, because fitting in is more important, right?
Strained Relationships
People pleasing means prioritising someone else’s needs over your own. This creates an imbalance in the relationship, leading to resentment and frustration.
It can also build a lack of authenticity in the relationship, because of your need to change yourself to better suit them. This is reflected in your inability to communicate your own true feelings, resulting in a diminished sense of trust and empathy.
So, How Can I Stop People Pleasing?
When pleasing others is your natural instinct, prioritising self-care can be a challenge.
But putting yourself first isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for your health. So if your tendencies are placing you at risk of burnout, then it’s time to establish some boundaries (even if they are small)
Start Small
You can’t say no to everything – and you shouldn’t. But you can at least start declining smaller requests.
Know Your Limits
Be clear about what you’re willing to take on, and how much time you have. If someone is asking for too much, (politely) let them know.
When In Doubt, Stall
If you’re not sure whether to accept a request, tell them that you need time to think. This will help you deliberate whether the task is something you don’t dread helping out with.
And remember: you won’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try. That’s not your job.
What matters most is surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries and love you for who you are, not just what you do.
External References
- Cherry, K. (2024, May 19). How to Stop People-Pleasing. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412
- Cohen, I. S. (2024, August 21). The Complexity of People-Pleasing. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/your-emotional-meter/202408/the-complexity-of-people-pleasing
- Delboy, S. (2025, April 9). The Dilemma of the People-Pleasing Chameleon. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/relationships-healing-relationships/202503/the-dilemma-of-the-people-pleasing-chameleon
- Raypole, C. (2021, August 26). The Beginner’s Guide to Trauma Responses. Healthline. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/fight-flight-freeze-fawn
- Raypole, C. (2024, November 15). How to Stop People-Pleasing (and Still Be Nice). Healthline. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/people-pleaser
- Sng, E. (2025, March 29). When the lines between friend and colleague get fuzzy, here’s how to keep things sweet. CNA. Retrieved from: https://www.channelnewsasia.com/today/mental-health-matters/are-you-people-pleaser-should-learn-say-no-5012531
- Villines, Z. (2023, March 1). People pleaser: What it means and how to stop. Medical News Today. Retrieved from: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser
- WebMD Editorial Contributors. (2024, March 25). What Is a People Pleaser? WebMD. Retrieved from: https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-people-pleaser
