When sexual intimacy fades, does it mean love is lost? Experts explain why dead bedrooms happen, why intimacy goes beyond sex, and how couples can reconnect.
Do you remember when you last had sex with your partner?
If the answer is something along the lines of, “It’s been a while,” then maybe it’s time to sit down and figure out how big of an issue it is for you.
Or if it’s even an issue to begin with.
How “Dead Bedroom” Relationships Can Form
Some couples may find themselves in a situation where they experience a lack of physical intimacy or a significant decrease in sexual activity.
Dead bedroom has been used to describe such a situation – and the very term gives negative connotations to such a relationship.
But what could cause one’s sex life to perish in the first place?
Stress and Fatigue
The problem with life?
Sometimes, it can get in the way of sex.
In our modern world, making intercourse a priority can seem like a hard ask when we’re constantly buried in work, childcare, household duties, or any other task on our seemingly endless to-do list.
This means that by the end of the day, when you’re finally able to slip into bed with your beloved partner, all you’re really able to think about is getting a good night’s rest.
Furthermore, the stress your body undergoes dealing with the routines of daily life can put your cortisol production into overdrive. As a consequence, sex hormones may be used to meet your body’s increased demands for cortisol, thus lowering your sex drive.
Cultural Influences
Another factor that can get in the way of sex?
Cultural norms.
A social and religious upbringing can ingrain in us a conservatism towards sex that looms even in the privacy of our bedrooms.
This means that for some, having sex can be an uncomfortable, and even shameful, experience, leading them to engage in the act less frequently.
Health Conditions
Chronic illnesses can impact your ability to experience arousal. For instance, hypertension has been correlated with a greater risk of erectile dysfunction. Having certain medical conditions, or taking certain medications, can also result in a depletion of your energy levels, hence minimising your capacity for sex.
Mental health conditions, such as depression, body image disorders, or addiction, can also affect your interest in sex.
In addition, hormonal changes, such as those as a result of ageing like in menopause, can have an influence on your libido as well.
Relationship Problems
Sometimes, a dead bedroom is the result of a disturbance in the relationship.
A couple may be contending with troubling issues, including a lack of trust and communication, or even infidelity.
This can cause them to turn away from each other in the bedroom, as emotional complications get in the way of harmony.
It’s a widely-accepted notion that sex is fundamental to a healthy romantic relationship.
Does this mean that a relationship with minimal sexual connection is a bad thing?
No Sex Doesn’t Mean No Intimacy
When we think about how often we should be making love to our partner, there’s actually no standard – because the act is deeply personal, and completely reliant on relationship dynamics.
“Once a year or once a day, there’s no ‘normal’ or ‘right’ number of times to have sex,” said intimacy coach and relationship expert Dr Angela Tan in Her World Online.
“It’s intimacy, and not sex, that’s at the core of every relationship.”
There’s nothing wrong if you and your partner simply aren’t into sex all that much.
In fact, some couples are perfectly happy in their relationship despite having little to no sex, and that’s because their version of intimacy extends far beyond a physical connection.
After all, there exist various other ways to connect and bond with your partner. Emotional intimacy, trust, and companionship are equally central to a fulfilling relationship.
…But It Can Still Be a Problem
However, for most people who are not asexual, a prolonged absence of sex can feel unsettling or even damaging to the relationship. Sexual intimacy is not merely physical; it reinforces emotional closeness, affection, and validation between partners.
When one partner desires sex and the other does not, frustration, rejection, or resentment can creep in. This mismatch often leads to tension and emotional distance, even if both partners care deeply for each other.
This is why it is crucial for couples to communicate openly about their needs, manage expectations, and work together to find common ground. Honest conversations about intimacy can prevent resentment from building and help both partners feel understood.
Keeping Your Bond Strong
Every couple is unique, so it’s important to understand that not everyone needs – or even wants – sex.
But what if you do want sex, but haven’t been able to engage?
“If your sex life has dwindled significantly over time, it could be that it’s lost that fire and you may need to spice things up in the bedroom. Or, maybe some aspect of your relationship isn’t working and the tension is interfering with your sex life,” explained Dr Tan.
A lot of the time, it also comes down to a mismatch in desires.
“Variations in sex drive are normal. Whether you want sex more or less frequently than your partner, what’s more important is communicating this need and making sure your partner understands and supports you.”
Keeping quiet and stewing in your own discontentment, or ignoring the underlying tension in your relationship can make things worse.
Remember that a relationship is built up by more than one person, and an absence of communication (and the lack of courage to try) can lead to a breakdown.
Comment
by from discussion
inDeadBedrooms
So if you want to rekindle that spark, the first step is breaking the silence.
Be gentle about it when starting the conversation. Focus on how much you miss the physical closeness, rather than making it an interrogation of why it’s stopped.
You might also want to create different definitions of intimacy. Paradoxically, a dead bedroom can be an opportunity for partners to discover new ways to connect and deepen their emotional bond. It can lead to greater attention on non-sexual activities that bring just as much joy to a relationship as sex does.
And if you’re aware that your partner has a higher sex drive compared to you, then it’s alright to be open about it, and see if you can uncover a meaningful solution together.
“Arguing about your mismatched sex drives can damage your relationship, so if you and your partner are experiencing tension over this, it’s best to get some professional counselling before things get out of hand,” advised Dr Tan.
It’s a shared willingness to grow together that will ensure your bond is long-lasting.
Read more
- Do Happy Couples Really Post Less on Social Media?
- Tired of Your Partner’s Snoring? Try a Sleep Divorce
External References
- Brito, J. (2020, January 14). Why You’re Having Less Sex with Your Partner — and How to Get Back Into It. Healthline. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/sexless-marriage
- Kassel, G. (2020, February 27). What’s Considered a ‘Dead Bedroom’ and How Is It Fixed? Healthline. Retrieved from: https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex/dead-bedroom
- Litner, J. (2022, May 25). What a dead bedroom is and how to address it. Medical News Today. Retrieved from: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/dead-bedroom
- McNichols, N. K. (2025, July 14). Are You in a Sexless Marriage? Here’s What That Actually Means. Psychology Today. Retrieved from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/nz/blog/everyone-on-top/202506/are-you-in-a-sexless-marriage-heres-what-that-actually-means
- Scott, E. (2023, December 17). How Stress Can Cause a Low Libido. Verywell Mind. Retrieved from: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-stress-can-lead-to-low-libido-3145029
- WebMD Editorial Contributors. (2024, February 13). How High Blood Pressure Leads to Erectile Dysfunction. WebMD. Retrieved from: https://www.webmd.com/hypertension-high-blood-pressure/high-blood-pressure-erectile-dysfunction
- Wong, M. (2020, November 20). True story: “My husband and I don’t have sex—but we’re OK with it”. Her World Online. Retrieved from: https://www.herworld.com/life/husband-no-sex-relationship
